More Personal Notes

I did not want to get out of bed this morning. My old bones ached and longed to just lie and relax a few more hours. But I had a file that needed finishing, and so I yawned and stretched and forced myself to motivate. The last two weeks have been a blur.

Dad has been moved to a skilled nursing facility for awhile. They got him up and walked him yesterday, and he seemed to be improving. Physically he is gaining strength, but I'm afraid that his mental status is just going to continue deteriorating. He was diagnosed with early Alzheimer's in 2003. All this time he has been able to stay at home and basically care for himself, except for us bringing meals in. Now the disease has begun to physically attack him, and I fear that those days are over.

I printed out the stages from an Alzheimer's support site. Dad seems to be in late 5 and headed for 6. There are 7 stages. He knows us still and lots of other things from the distant past. His short term memory is not that good, and he is beginning to show signs that he can't remember names of common objects. Yesterday he seemed quite normal. He knew his birthday and his address, and he could call our names. But he is showing signs of depression and mentioning death and his time to die quite frequently. My husband fears he will give up if he has to stay in a nursing home. At the same time, I am not sure I will be able to care for him in my home. I know that the worst days are ahead. And no matter what I tell them, I know that I can't prepare his daughter and son for what lies ahead.

My father was struck with a rare brain disease at 46 years of age. He suffered dementia. He could not pronounce words with any clarity. He mixed up common nouns. Some days he knew us; some days he didn't. He was plagued with compulsive repetitive actions, and there was the constant worry of him roaming off and getting lost. It happened once or twice in the six years my mom cared for him. And that is one of the most terrifying things I have ever experienced. Some days he was violent and agitated. Other days he was docile as a lamb. We often found food hidden in weird places in the house. Sometimes he would get in his drawers and dress himself in two or three layers of clothes. One day he complained of his foot hurting, and we removed his shoe to find a baseball cap shoved down inside it. Things like that were common.

So when I tell you that I have my doubts about being able to care for Mr. Green at home, I know of what I speak. My mother, the dear saint that she was, sacrificed years of her life and health for my daddy. She loved him until her dying breath. The three of us girls were adults, and it nearly killed us. I just don't know if I can let my six year old live through this experience, as much as I love my father-in-law. At the same time, I understand my husband's desire to make sure his dad is safe and protected and cared for. Pray that God will grant us wisdom and acceptance. And pray for Mr. Green as I know this is a confusing time for him. God is able to see us through this. We have to trust Him.