Are You Faster Than a Second Grader

Ok, it's not funny...but oh, who am I kidding, it's hilarious.

There was a little excitement at my son's school last week. One of his classmates (who shall remain unnamed) caused quite a stir. Apparently, the 7 year-old boy shoved a classmate and was punished by sitting out recess for 3 days. And while that may not seem a very harsh punishment, to this little boy it must have been unbearable to sit on the sidelines while his playmates frollicked.

According to my son, the little boy kept trying to sneak off his time-out bench and out into the playground. He was recaptured once, but broke free and took off running again. The teachers evidently carried walkie talkies and radioed for backup to the Principal and Vice Principal who came to help corral him.

He first headed towards the ball field, then towards the tennis court, and finally headed toward greener pastures and the woods nearby, with teachers in tow. I think the tally on teachers chasing him was up to 7. But that could be exaggerated, though I doubt it. My son named off 7 right off the bat. He said they all went different directions, fanning out to cover all avenues of escape.

"Mom, Ms. So-and-So couldn't even catch him, and she was in the war," my son laughingly told me. To which I replied, "So what were you guys doing, cheering him on?" "No, mom, we were shouting, "Go Ms._______ and Go Mr. ________." Smart boy, my son. No detention for him.

Finally, the PE coach (who trains for long marathons and runs on a regular basis) was the one to win the prize and stop the shenanigans. The 2nd grader got 10 days in school suspension to which my son's response was, "He's in solitaire (his word) just like Cool Hand Luke. He has to follow the librarian around all day." His best friend said the whole thing was better than watching wrestling. I tend to agree. I just wish I had been there with a video camera. I would be $10,000 richer now and on America's Funniest Videos. Maybe they should revamp that Jeff Foxworthy show and call it, "Are You Faster Than a Second Grader?"

Chewin' and Drinkin'

Needless to say, the last week has been unbelievably stressful. Sometimes your mind plays tricks on you. My sister and I drove to Sonic to get us a cherry limeade and pass a few short minutes before our appointment at the funeral home to make arrangements.

While waiting for our drinks to arrive, my thirst overtook me, and I picked up my cup that had the remains of the sweet tea I had finished off earlier. I was just going to chew on some ice until my limeade came, so I took the lid off. To my surprise, stuck to the inside of the cup was a piece of chewing gum that had been chewed and stuck inside.

"Oh nooo," I moaned.

"What is it?" my sister answered.

"Who would do that?"

"What is it?"

"It's chewing gum. In my cup. And I drank every bit of that tea earlier. Oh gross!"

"That's crazy," she replied.

"I'm going to go by Wendy's and give them a piece of my mind." (Not that I had any left by this time.) "Oh, I'm going to be sick." I had visions of some pimple-faced, greasy haired teenage boy who thought it a hilarious prank to put his chewed gum in my cup. I had visions of some chattering pony-tailed drive-through girl coughing and her gum falling in my cup. And she probaby was carrying that dreaded Rotovirus that makes you have projectile vomiting and spastic diarrhea for days on end.

And then it dawned on my sister. "Wait a minute. I had gum in my mouth when I got in the car. That has to be mine. I don't remember putting it in there, though. Let me smell it. If it's peppermint, it's mine."

We looked at each other in like we were in the twilight zone. She sniffed.

"It's peppermint. I must have put it in there thinking it was an old cup. Sorry. I still don't remember doing it."

"Neither do I. And I was sitting right here. Oh, thank God..." And then burts of hysterical laughter. Amidst the grief. Amidst the stress. Uncontrollable laughter. If people had seen us, they would have had us committed.

And the moral of this story is: Chewin' is better than drinkin', but both are risky to say the least.