Growing Up

As you might have guessed from some of my posts, I have deep seated issues I am working to resolve in my life, the details of which are hard to speak. Giving up and giving it to God is a daily process for me. And sometimes I fail at letting go. Sometimes I hold it close to my heart and say, "God, I am fearful, because I do not know what You are going to do with it." And He whispers back to me, "Daughter. Let me help you. Please just let me help you."

And He and I have these conversations regularly. I know that He does not want me to be a miserable, grieving ball of anger and resentment. I know He wants to take this brokenness and make it into something beautiful. In my finite mind I sit and try to figure out what exactly He is doing, and it still is not clear to me. And I admit, it is scarey and uncomfortable to think that I might emerge from the fire a different person. But how can that be so bad? I do not even like the person I am now. So why am I holding onto that part of me so desperately as if it validates me in some way?

And then I say, "God, what am I supposed to do? I've tried over and over. And it's not working." And God says back, "I can handle this. Have I not brought you this far? Has your faith not kept you for 40+ years? Do you think I will leave you now? Do you think I do not see, do not know, do not care that you are hurting? Child, I know every tear that falls. I know every longing of your heart. I am near. In your sorrow. In your trouble. In your fear. In your storm. I am near. What do I do during storms? I rest and wait them out. What did my disciples do? They worried and fretted and wrung their hands in fear. And so I intervened for them. But what they did not realize was that as long as I was in the boat, no harm would come to them. They were with me. You must learn to trust me."

And so .. there it is . the issue I cannot seem to avoid. Trust. As a mother of a young child I tend to go around cleaning up messes my child has made and wonder if he ever hears and understands the benefit to him of following my instructions. Eventually if I keep working with him, he will cultivate the good habits that I desire in him. Eventually he will learn the easy way or the hard way that Mama is right. He will grow up. He will mature. And that is ultimately what I must do, stop kidding myself and accept the fact that Father knows best.

Lord help me stop being the stubborn spoiled brat. Help me do the right thing. And help me let go of anything that keeps me from doing the right thing. Whatever and whoever that might be.