All-consuming Questions That Haunt Me

On my recent vacation I managed to get 22 pages of notes for my wip, From the Dust of Rose Hill. I absolutely cannot wait to get back to it now after a long hiatus. I am still having problems finding some light-heartedness to interject between the seemingly dark and endless periods of emotional conflict. After all, this is a psychological novel--a study in character if you will. It is not quite the suspenseful rollercoaster the first book turned out to be, but it's okay. I am trying to write what I feel I am supposed to write. Life is not always rosy and sweet. There are wars in life, emotional conflicts, failures, addictions, and also grief. I need a healthy balance though. I have plenty of that kind of material. Diane's recent posts about her getaway has inspired me to find some joyous moments to interject, and I will be working on those.

I am still struggling with feelings of inadequacy. I have read so many authors who say their first novel was junk. I really do not have anything to gauge mine by. No word from the one query. I am considering sending out one or two more. I have a gnawing feeling that I need to go back and comb through the work again to see what is lacking. Every time I read a superb novel, I want to go back and improve on what I've written. I can never be objective about my babies. I suppose all writers feel this way at times. So much of yourself is poured onto the page. It is hard not to take it personally.

I am still struggling with the need to have an objective opinion but not being able to turn loose of the manuscript--overprotective mommy I suppose...or fear of rejection. At times I think I need more polish, more education, more attention to detail, more of this, more of that. Am I really a writer? Or just a wannabe? Do I have what it takes? Do I really want to be published, or do I just want to write to fulfill whatever this craving is inside me? Can I overcome personal distractions and focus on the dream? Is my writing merely an outlet, an escape, a way of not dealing with these personal distractions? I don't know. Is my writing pleasing to God? Is my life? And if not, how can I correct that?

Do I have what it takes? What do I really and truly hope to gain from this? I do not want the end of my life to come and it all be blown away as chaff in the wind. I want to count for something.

That's my soapbox for the day. Now I have to get back to that pesky thing called work. Have a great day!