Thursday, March 22, 2007

All-consuming Questions That Haunt Me

On my recent vacation I managed to get 22 pages of notes for my wip, From the Dust of Rose Hill. I absolutely cannot wait to get back to it now after a long hiatus. I am still having problems finding some light-heartedness to interject between the seemingly dark and endless periods of emotional conflict. After all, this is a psychological novel--a study in character if you will. It is not quite the suspenseful rollercoaster the first book turned out to be, but it's okay. I am trying to write what I feel I am supposed to write. Life is not always rosy and sweet. There are wars in life, emotional conflicts, failures, addictions, and also grief. I need a healthy balance though. I have plenty of that kind of material. Diane's recent posts about her getaway has inspired me to find some joyous moments to interject, and I will be working on those.

I am still struggling with feelings of inadequacy. I have read so many authors who say their first novel was junk. I really do not have anything to gauge mine by. No word from the one query. I am considering sending out one or two more. I have a gnawing feeling that I need to go back and comb through the work again to see what is lacking. Every time I read a superb novel, I want to go back and improve on what I've written. I can never be objective about my babies. I suppose all writers feel this way at times. So much of yourself is poured onto the page. It is hard not to take it personally.

I am still struggling with the need to have an objective opinion but not being able to turn loose of the manuscript--overprotective mommy I suppose...or fear of rejection. At times I think I need more polish, more education, more attention to detail, more of this, more of that. Am I really a writer? Or just a wannabe? Do I have what it takes? Do I really want to be published, or do I just want to write to fulfill whatever this craving is inside me? Can I overcome personal distractions and focus on the dream? Is my writing merely an outlet, an escape, a way of not dealing with these personal distractions? I don't know. Is my writing pleasing to God? Is my life? And if not, how can I correct that?

Do I have what it takes? What do I really and truly hope to gain from this? I do not want the end of my life to come and it all be blown away as chaff in the wind. I want to count for something.

That's my soapbox for the day. Now I have to get back to that pesky thing called work. Have a great day!

6 comments:

Camy Tang said...

Sorry I have to leave a blog post comment, but I don't think I have your email address.

I just wanted to say, thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting! I appreciate your comments because they're thought-provoking and add to the discussion.

Camy

Delia said...

Cindy thank you thank you thank you for posting this! Reading it I felt such relief because it's almost like you'd gotten inside my head. I've cut back on my reading because everytime I read a great book I think I should "fix" something in mine. And I have those thoughts daily. Am I actually a writer? Or just a wannabe? Do I have what it takes? And all of the rest of those questions I ask myself regularly.

I can't help you with any input on your dilemma but I can say that this post helped me to know that I'm not the only one struggling with those thoughts. And I may not have read your manuscript but I've read your writing through your blog and I think you have what it takes. So, knowing that you are a writer who has what it takes and knowing you have those same doubts plaguing you makes me think maybe there's still some hope for me.

Dawn said...

So many books that I've read, the first by the author is okay, but they get so much better as the years go by. Don't give up!!

I know you've been reading my series with my son, Kevin. We finally got Chapter 4 written, if you're interested.

Sista Cala said...

Maturity and experience will lead to better works. Don't forget the scripture that says, "Despise not the days of small beginnings." Reference alludes me at the moment.

Granny B said...

You can do it. You have the ideas and the discipline.
Don't allow the enemy to discourage you.

Praying for your Prodigal said...

Cindy,

Always remember, and never forget....you will never get the YES unless you navigate through the NO's.

That's my translation of some pearls of wisdom I have read on Queries.

:) Diane