The D Word

I know I haven't visited and commented on your blogs. I have been a bit preoccupied with the separation going on. I still cannot wrap my mind around the "D" word, and so I will cloak it with a kind euphemism for now. When your entire world is turned upside down, it takes a while to get your bearings.

I have mixed feelings about airing my dirty laundry here. And then again, I think that by now the faithful few who are still reading are truly interested and care. So I stop by and update you. And this also helps as a kind of therapy.

For the record, I was the one who chose to leave and chose to file. It was not an easy decision, nor a hasty one. I felt it was my last option--my last hope for change. To stop the downward spiral, the bleeding that was draining me of life, no mere tourniquet would suffice. Too much damage had occurred.

Now we could play the blame game all day long, but the truth of the matter is it takes 2 to make a marriage, and 2 to cause a split. One morning I woke up and did not want to get out of bed. I just wanted to cover my head and pretend the world did not exist. And it was then it dawned on me--that this is what my husband has done for the past 3 years. (And I have asked him recently, "So how's that workin' for ya?" ) Doing nothing was not the answer. Not an option for me. Something had to be done. And soon. So you can call it running all you want, but I know the truth. I'm facing life head on. It is not something I relish doing--would rather not have had to do. But I'm going into it with my eyes open and my head on straight. And I'm going to be okay. Eventually.

Remember us in your prayers. The three of us. This is a drastic adjustment. Bub and I need to get our acts together. Whether we are married or separated. There is this wonderful, beautiful life we created. And he needs us. Both of us. He is the one thing we did right. So we definitely don't want to screw it up now. Thanks for letting me unload here. I will get back to your blogs eventually. Love to all. Cyn

Walk in Love

Heard an awesome sermon this morning from Bro. Steve Gallimore. His scripture was Ephesians 5:2.

1 Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children;
2 And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour.

Bro. Steve's message was on marriage, and he stepped on my toes the entire service. He began his sermon with statistics from the book, HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS, by Willard Harley, Jr. It was interesting to note that according to Harley, a man's first need is sex. A woman's first need is affection, and how this different hierarchy in needs causes miscommunication and problems in marriages. He also used the story of the Israelites making the golden calf in the wilderness after Moses went up on the Mount to receive the ten commandments.

Exodus 32:23 For they said unto me, Make us gods, which shall go before us: for as for this Moses, the man that brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we wot not what is become of him.
32:24 And I said unto them, Whosoever hath any gold, let them break it off. So they gave it me: then I cast it into the fire, and there came out this calf.
32:25 And when Moses saw that the people were naked; (for Aaron had made them naked unto their shame among their enemies:)

Isn't it interesting to note that Aaron, when confronted said, " I just threw the gold in the fire, and out came this calf," trying to deny responsibility for his actions. How ridiculous he sounds.

In case you're wondering how this story relates to marriage, let me enlighten you on how it was tied in. The thrust of the message was that the Israelites did not believe that Moses was coming back down from the mountain. The longer he delayed, the more heathenistic they became. They began to make their own gods and their own laws, and they began to "play." Bro. Steve asked us to pretend for a moment that a) Jesus was not coming back, b) That God's word was not true, and c) That God did not exist. This is the way the people of Israel were acting . This is the way the world today is acting -- as if Jesus is not coming back, that the Bible is not true, and that God does not exist. And in our marriages today, a lot of us are living as if we do not truly believe those three things. We get our eyes off God, and we start justifying our way of life.

He began speaking of divorce and why Jesus addressed it in the New Testament. He said, "You may not be married; you may be thinking of being married. You may be engaged; you may be married for years. Some of you have been married many years. Some of you have been married one time, and then things didn't work out, and you got married again. And again. And then again, (counting on his fingers), and then yet again, and let me tell you. You people need help. You need help with how to do this thing called marriage." I had to admire his honesty. He laid it out on the dotted line, even at the risk of alienating his audience.

He talked of opening the lines of communication with our spouses and putting each other first and making our marriages a priority. He talked of getting our relationships with Christ in line and our marriages falling in place. And he ended with the admission that he'd been guilty of not intervening in marriages that had been falling apart, of sitting idly by while they crumbled for fear of offending families. He was humbly repentant, and I admired him when he said he and his associate pastor had made a promise to start visiting these troubled couples in the church, to try to help them save their marriages -- yes, even at the risk of being told to stay out of their business. Yes, even at the risk of losing their friendship. It's called tough love. Sometimes things need to be said. I know I needed to hear what was on his heart today.

God hates divorce. That is plain in the scriptures. He allowed it because of the "hardness of your hearts." He permitted divorce in cases of adultery and abandonment. But Bro. Steve was quick to point out that the majority of divorces are not because of infidelity -- but rather, surprise, surprise, unforgiveness. We can't forgive our spouses. Jesus can forgive our sins, but we can't forgive our spouses' sins. I'm not saying that a person would not have grounds if their spouse was unfaithful. I'm saying we don't always address the deeper issue...us being able to forgive the trespass. Even if the marriage ends in divorce, many people won't let it end there and forgive. They hold onto it forever. We, in America, are quick to look at our marriages as disposable. If it doesn't work out, just throw it away and start over. And that's not what God intended.

I'm far from an expert on this thing called marriage. My husband and I just passed the 10-year mark. We've had a lot of troubled water in our years together, a lot of tragedy and a lot of financial hardship and a lot of just plain old arguments resulting from selfishness and stubborness. I will even admit to you that I have wanted to throw my hands in the air and surrender. Or walk away from it all, even run. I can admit that to you, because it's no secret. I've said those words to my husband. Yet there's something underlying that keeps us together, keeps us trying, keeps us working on this thing called marriage. I believe it is God's spirit working in us to make us what He wants us to become. I believe it is God's stubborn refusal to allow us to destroy this union that has kept us this far. Every time I get consumed with the crazy idea that maybe I'd be better off out of the marriage, God brings something to my heart like this message that tells me, "I put you here. Now you learn what I want you to learn. Do what you know you're supposed to do. Walk in love, Cindy. Walk in love."

Like I've mentioned before, I need to stop trying to be the Holy Spirit and my husband's conscience. I need to work on Cindy, and get out of the way and let God work on Bub. And that's about as transparent as I get folks.

Til next time...Walk in love. http://www.pastors.com/article.asp?ArtID=8607